I watched A Lot of videos trying to find one that spoke to me. I picked a handful and put it aside.
Kinda like the memories and stories I try and hide about my daddy.
This morning when I awoke before I even spoke a dialogue was wrote between you and I and I cried deep from inside with my heart burning open and it felt like my rib cage snapped.......
Don't get me wrong I learned alot about Love, what is and what isn't from you and I am grateful. I learned alot about reality, confusion of what is and isn't and I am grateful. I learned alot about silence, what it means and what it doesn't and I am grateful. I learned alot about strength, what it is and what it isn't and I am grateful. I learned to keep secrets in the name of loyalty. I learned that families and people can look good from the outside but what happens inside doesn't always match. I learned to pretend and believe what I want regardless.... I learned to work really hard and not need anyone else (so I thought). You used to tell me you wanted me to go far in business so I would make lots of money and never have to have anyone else disappoint me cause I could take care of myself. I put you on a soap box and had a fairy tale "daddy's little girl" love affair that wasn't real. I bought you a shirt that said any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy, I think mom burned it ? I didn't get it, probably alot now I still don't get but Still, I love you cause your my daddy. I know you did the best you could, I know you wanted me to be safe and unhurt by life and people and you taught me in the way you knew and I am grateful. I didn't always understand and probably still don't.......I could say lots of things about what you did and didn't do. Like the time you sat frozen on the couch when I cried with a broken heart and thought I would die. I asked you to hug me and assure me someone would love me and you just stared straight in front of you in silence and waited for me to leave the room,believing once again how unlovable I was. Not long, you left me too, no good-bye. Or the time you said you wouldn't come to me wedding, let alone walk me down the aisle and give me away, My brother did that for you. Or the time you sent a check when my first son was born and I returned it cause I said I didn't want your money. Or the time that you got sick and died, left a will that said you wanted to make sure that none of your things were given to any of your three offspring and that we not be included in the obituary as you having children, cause to you , you didn't . I didn't even get to say good-bye, again, as I found out much later what had gone on and as usual you were already gone....... See, I didn't find any videos that showed the truth about growing up with an alcoholic. The memories of endless episodes of out of control life.The confusion and fear of not knowing what to expect. The shame of hiding secrets from the outside world. The dreams of being daddy's little girl and the pity of what that looked like. Learning that Love isn't painful, loving an alcoholic IS. Not understanding that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say or are MEAN and don't remember it or what you think something is ISN'T. I also learned that it doesn't have to keep going! You can FEEL everything, tell the truth about everything, grieve what was and what wasn't , heal, say good-bye with Real Love and move on. I can have all my memories and not have to hide or apologize or keep it going. I can say thank you for doing the best you could. I can say thank you for the lessons. I can say I am Lovable, whether you or anyone else thinks so. I can say good-bye. I wrote alot more than this as you know our conversation was Intense. I will use the Super Full Moon coming up for both of us, may we love, heal, release, let go, mend and Be In Peace. Happy Father's Day, Please, Daddy, we can let go now.........
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