I watched A Lot of videos trying to find one that spoke to me. I picked a handful and put it aside.
Kinda like the memories and stories I try and hide about my daddy. This morning when I awoke before I even spoke a dialogue was wrote between you and I and I cried deep from inside with my heart burning open and it felt like my rib cage snapped....... Don't get me wrong I learned alot about Love, what is and what isn't from you and I am grateful. I learned alot about reality, confusion of what is and isn't and I am grateful. I learned alot about silence, what it means and what it doesn't and I am grateful. I learned alot about strength, what it is and what it isn't and I am grateful. I learned to keep secrets in the name of loyalty. I learned that families and people can look good from the outside but what happens inside doesn't always match. I learned to pretend and believe what I want regardless.... I learned to work really hard and not need anyone else (so I thought). You used to tell me you wanted me to go far in business so I would make lots of money and never have to have anyone else disappoint me cause I could take care of myself. I put you on a soap box and had a fairy tale "daddy's little girl" love affair that wasn't real. I bought you a shirt that said any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy, I think mom burned it ? I didn't get it, probably alot now I still don't get but Still, I love you cause your my daddy. I know you did the best you could, I know you wanted me to be safe and unhurt by life and people and you taught me in the way you knew and I am grateful. I didn't always understand and probably still don't.......I could say lots of things about what you did and didn't do. Like the time you sat frozen on the couch when I cried with a broken heart and thought I would die. I asked you to hug me and assure me someone would love me and you just stared straight in front of you in silence and waited for me to leave the room,believing once again how unlovable I was. Not long, you left me too, no good-bye. Or the time you said you wouldn't come to me wedding, let alone walk me down the aisle and give me away, My brother did that for you. Or the time you sent a check when my first son was born and I returned it cause I said I didn't want your money. Or the time that you got sick and died, left a will that said you wanted to make sure that none of your things were given to any of your three offspring and that we not be included in the obituary as you having children, cause to you , you didn't . I didn't even get to say good-bye, again, as I found out much later what had gone on and as usual you were already gone....... See, I didn't find any videos that showed the truth about growing up with an alcoholic. The memories of endless episodes of out of control life.The confusion and fear of not knowing what to expect. The shame of hiding secrets from the outside world. The dreams of being daddy's little girl and the pity of what that looked like. Learning that Love isn't painful, loving an alcoholic IS. Not understanding that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say or are MEAN and don't remember it or what you think something is ISN'T. I also learned that it doesn't have to keep going! You can FEEL everything, tell the truth about everything, grieve what was and what wasn't , heal, say good-bye with Real Love and move on. I can have all my memories and not have to hide or apologize or keep it going. I can say thank you for doing the best you could. I can say thank you for the lessons. I can say I am Lovable, whether you or anyone else thinks so. I can say good-bye. I wrote alot more than this as you know our conversation was Intense. I will use the Super Full Moon coming up for both of us, may we love, heal, release, let go, mend and Be In Peace. Happy Father's Day, Please, Daddy, we can let go now.........
0 Comments
You go through life doin whats right sleepless nights thoughts that toss and fight try as you might you will come to the crossroads You must decide like never before there is no measure of score if you don't choose your Souls door will the road be short and bleek either road is not for the meek if you choose the other which is most likely looking from the outside as wrong the gravel with spikes on your feet will make you question why you chose that song the road is long but in a different way sometimes you cant undo what is done so if you run there is no sun centered in the fork of both you shall die only one re-born the heart has its reasons the mind has its seasons your life is for your pleasins how to be responsible honest and true to You may be a challenge when the view is skewed what serves your highest good will serve the higher good of all is hard to see when you see small hear the call of their bawl illusions and truths or truths and illusion to thine own self be true a delusion or solution? love is always present and shall not end for this we cant pretend however we decide to preside in our commitments and relationships ride the great divide when navigating from the inside you can no longer hide or prevail in the shadow side the rushing tide will sweep you fast New Life or Repeat Past how long will you last How badly do you desire what stands beyond the fire only so long as the liar before the train higher pulls out no matter the shout its comin bout Are your inner Mother energies free flowing and authentically YOU?
To Thine Own Self ,Be True. Have you identified your unconscious Mother patterns, repressions, oppressions, societal influences, family miasms, generational influences, Unhealed wounds, Absorbed collective consensus reality? Deep within Your Core is your unique expression, Have you touched it, allowed a healthy outlet? Where Are You in this sea of You's? Expressing your version authentically........ Default wiring leads to reactive living. When we identify what that looks like, we can recognize when we are operating from this position and Choose to accept our patterns and integrate a whole way of participating, responding with life in the Dance.......Free-flowing expressing. Life moves.
Sometimes we go slow, sometimes fast, sometimes things never last, sometimes we live in the past 'cause letting go comes too fast....... Life moves me. Like a roaring rapids with no mercy, a trickling spring that appears stagnant.Whirling images,smiles and grimaces.... Life moves you. Away from here, over there, are you aware?hard to say if you care... Life moves........ I WANT TO BLEED PASSION, from the depths of my split heart as we part the waters flow from my eyes for now, they see the lies, wise through wrinkles where are the twinkles from my core, Always searching for more,never-ending bore, but still you choose the whore rather than the one who adores, you SO, I DO, of every FASHION for which I'm a clashin. Too big a circle for this square, move on away from here, you're strong and bubbly where we wanta be in two years not where we are today, again, I move on looking for someone to say, hell yeah, let's play, I like your way,will you stay? No dismay walk this way You watch from beyond,never losing sight, no balls to fight,always in flight. I roll over,flip off the light, try as I might, from the corner of my eyes, I catch the outline, smell you and flinch go away love grinch, life is no sinche I WANT TO BLEED PASSION I keep it real, the range I feel, no matter how I reel how high I rock, temporary each, goal no block I WANT TO BLEED PASSION So, I DO, of every FASHION So, I DO You? If you don't, or refuse and won't, you can't BLEED PASSION, next your in the box, not like fox who prefers the Circle....... |
Archives
January 2016
Subscribe to RSS Feed Notification Click above
|